Daddy

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They’ve said I am a daddy’s girl because I always get my father’s full attention, love and affection. He did everything for me while I was growing up. As a teenager, I became my daddy’s worst enemy. I was stubborn and hard-headed. I hated him because he had a lot of rules to follow. Who wants that, anyway? As for me, rules are for breaking, so I did. I didn’t listen to him and ran my own world while being my dad’s greatest headache. I didn’t finish my studies; I thought I didn’t need it. I was so confident at that time because I am young, care-free and beautiful. I knew that I can land a job anywhere I want. Lucky enough, I did. I didn’t run away from home because I want to show my dad that I am right and that, I am in full-control of my life. His rules do not exist in my world and for all I care. I felt so happy at that time; I thought that I have made the best decision, ever.

Soon enough, the wealth that we once have disappeared like dusts in the wind. We moved to a smaller home, our house was sold. My siblings weren’t able to continue their studies and all of us needed to work.  My dad lost his job. He became alcoholic out of depression and all of a sudden our world turned upside down. I got so angry with my parents, especially, my dad for giving up so quickly.  I hated him because we became as poor as a rat. I took some of the responsibility to pay the bills but I was half-hearted. I didn’t like it but I have no choice, I need to bring some food on the table, too, to survive.  I have a lot of pretensions at that time. I am envious and insecure; I thought I did not deserve this kind of life.

Then, one day my boyfriend and I decided to get married. I have thought about it as a means of “escape”. If I marry him, I can enjoy my hard-earned money. I can visit the places I wanted to go to without spending what I have earned.  We brought the news, my family was astonished. I saw my dad bit his lips but he smiled and told us we were old enough.  So I got married, thinking this was the best for me now to get away with the responsibility. After a month, I got pregnant.  Well, my husband and his family were just okay, nothing special. However, I became more insecure now whenever my husband’s relatives would ask me what’s your major or where did I study? I can’t utter a word. I don’t know what to say and hated those moments.

The week after, I got a call from my sister saying that my father was very ill and in a very bad state. Everything went blank; I felt like I stopped breathing for a minute and rushed myself to the hospital. All I wanted was to see him. He was the only one mattered to me. I opened the door and saw him. I cannot believe it, I can’t bear it. I felt cold and cannot move my knees. I thought that this scenery only happens in the movies, I was fooled. It can happen in the real life. It hurts so badly. He was looking at me while I cry. I can’t say anything, only “I am sorry”. He nodded and took my hand. There were tears in his eyes. A few seconds more, he was lifeless and was announced dead.  My world stopped turning, I was silent and began to cry. I can’t do anything and kept on saying, “I am really sorry, for being so selfish, for not talking to you and for not asking if you are alright”. All the memories came back in a flash. Back to when I was a child, my daddy carrying me, we were happy, I loved him so much, he was my only guy, my king, my world, my everything…we laughed so hard that I got to pee in my skirt. We were singing and dancing, dancing in the rain and everything went black. He disappeared, when I opened my eyes i saw him, lying in his coffin and as cold as ice.

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I never get to see him after today. This moment is the ‘truth’, I am not dreaming. I can do nothing as I regret with a lot of what if’s in my head. I’ll never see him, again, never. He’s gone, gone forever. No more strolling at the park, no more playing and no more dancing in the rain.

 

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